Let the Water Hold Me Down
And why are there no alien abductions in Poland?
“And you may find yourself in another part of the world.”
When I stepped off the plane for the first time in Poland, I had two large suitcases full of everything I owned. In my passport, I had a folded piece of paper that was a copy of the email which proclaimed that I had a job in Poland. I still had no idea if the job was even real.
At that moment, I had nothing and I had everything.
That was 20 years ago this week. It seems almost incomprehensible.
I wish I knew how to process living aboard for two decades because it’s such a heavy subject for me. When people ask me simple questions like “Where do you come from?” or “What do you miss the most about the US?” they end up having to listen to an old man talk about things like identity and heimat.1
I have been living in Wroclaw longer than I’ve lived in any other city. And if I maintain this trajectory, I’ll eventually reach the point where I have lived in Poland longer than I’ve lived in the States. When does “Where do you come from?” become irrelevant? What does it mean to be American when you haven’t lived there in decades?
None of this is to say that I’m not happy. I’m thrilled to live here and to have a home here. I believe my children are safer in Europe than they are in the States. But I’d be lying if I said the weight of the decision hasn’t gotten heavier over the years.
The places I remember have either changed drastically or disappeared entirely. My friends and family have moved, while others have passed on.
I now experience the States either in memories or as a tourist.
Here’s something I wrote about being an American living in Poland…
When I was in New York in June, I had all of these vivid dreams. And one of them dislodged a large chunk of memories that I had forgotten about - mostly of my time living in Philly from 2000-2001. It was this perfect year when I lived in a 150-year-old house that had been converted into six apartments. And I was surrounded by amazing friends and neighbors. I worked on the road during the week, and I couldn’t wait to get back home on Fridays. On Sundays, we’d eat together and laugh. When the temperature dropped, we sat out on the porch and smoked cigars. The house was filled with genuine love. I thought it was going to last forever.
It ended abruptly. The Most Amazing Dog in the World who freely wandered the house passed away. I quit my job. One of my neighbors/friends moved across the country. And my roommate did something that there was no turning back from. For decades I thought it ended one way, and this dream planted a seed of doubt that maybe I had read the room wrong.
So looking back at 20 years in Poland and the life before it, it’s not about sliding doors, turning left instead of right, nostalgia, regrets, or FOMO; it’s not about the what-ifs - it’s about the realization that I missed something significant on the path I was on, or I interpreted it the wrong way.
It’s like returning to a book you read when you were younger and realizing it’s a completely different story than the one you remember.
And if it’s true for this one moment of my life, how many others are there?
“Hey! I thought this newsletter was supposed to be funny.”
You’re right! “Why Are There No Alien Abductions in Poland?” is an old article I wrote about Poland based on some of my stand-up material. I think you’ll dig it.
As the only American living in Poland2, I often find myself in situations where I need to stick up for my country. It’s amazing to me how despite being #37 in healthcare and #17 in education, not everyone accepts the fact that America is #1.
“No, you see, God gave us guns to shoot people. It’s in the Second Commandment in the Constitution.”
“No, we don’t only eat hamburgers. That’s why we have Taco Tuesdays.”
“No, we do know where Poland is on the map.”
This last one is the most troubling. There are YouTube clips where unsuspecting Americans (who were just walking down the street trying to eat their hamburger in peace!) are suddenly assaulted on camera with mind-bogglingly difficult geography questions like “Where is Canada?” And because of these videos, many people in Poland (#10 in education and #5 in countries ending with land) think Americans are stupid.
“I bet you could never find Poland on a map before you moved here,” one Pole said.
“Not true,” I said. “I found it easily with Google.”
Still, I wanted to know if it was true. So when I was last in the States, I asked some of my friends if they could find Poland on the map. “You know, the place where I live and you refuse to visit?” With alarming confidence, nine out of ten of my friends put their finger on Russia. The tenth friend pointed to the Indian Ocean; but in his defense, he’s legally blind and I only asked him out of pity. I realized with horror I might as well be asking where Narnia was on the map. Haven’t any of my friends heard of Google?
It needs to be understood that Americans do know where countries are on the map. What my Polish friends don’t realize is that our educational system is different (for instance, in our college exams, it’s not important to identify the 17 different classifications of pierogi) and that we simply learn geography differently than the rest of the world.
Imagine a teacher and student standing in front of a large world map at an American school. The teacher says, “Where is Poland?”
The student points to Russia.
“No,” says the teacher who is clearly from Finland (#1 in education, but #4 in countries beginning with the letter F). “Let’s try something different. Where is Germany?”
The student points to Germany.
“Great. Now where is Japan?”
The student points to Japan.
“Good. Where is Vietnam?”
The student points to Vietnam.
“Okay. Where is Iraq?”
The student points to Iraq.
“Wonderful. Where is Afghanistan?”
The student points to Afghanistan.
“Now how about Iran?”
The student looks at the map and shakes his head in disappointment.
“That’s okay. You will.”
Frankly, I think Poland — and any country in the world for that matter—should be thankful we can’t find them on the map.
______________________
Being the only American in Poland3 is a heavy responsibility. And I admit that my confidence in the United States sometimes wavers, especially when I see news stories out of Florida. How can I convince Poles of how amazing my country is when I’m reading stories like the man who was caught smuggling heroin inside his baby’s diaper? (Honestly, knowing what I know about babies these days, I’m convinced he was framed!) How can I convince Poles of how amazing my country is when I’m reading stories like the man arrested for the fifth time having sex with the same horse? (What? Now everyone’s against monogamy?) How can I convince Poles of how amazing my country is when I’m reading stories like the woman who offered oral sex at a drive-thru in exchange for a cheeseburger? (I must confess though, I initially loved the story for combining two of my favorite things: cheese and burger!)
So when I’m depressed and unable to muster the energy to explain to everyone here why my country is so phenomenal, I take comfort in focusing on the incredible things we have in America that Poland will never have.
For instance, Poland doesn’t have Jesus appearing on all of its food.
I try to explain to Poles that we say things like God bless America because we know he does. Why else would his son keep appearing on all of our food? He’s appeared on everything. Cupcakes. Potato chips. Burritos. Candy bars. Lettuce. Burgers. Waffles. Chicken nuggets. You name it. I like to think Jesus is somewhere taking selfies with his phone and when he likes a picture, he says, “Man, this is going to look so awesome on a pancake!”
According to a scientific study that I probably just made up, Jesus appears on so much American food that 1 in 3 Americans eat him every day without realizing it.
Jesus even appeared on an Ohio woman’s pierogi. A pierogi! If you don’t know, pierogi are the Polish equivalent to American hamburgers with billions being consumed every day. You figure he would make an appearance on at least one Polish pierogi, right? No, that honor went to America, of course! To add insult to injury, the woman auctioned off the pierogi for $1775, proving once and for all that the American Dream is alive and well in the 21st century.
All this makes me wonder why Jesus never appears on any of the food in Poland? What did Poland do wrong? Why is God mad at them?
______________________
Alien abductions are another thing you won’t find in Poland.
You know the story. An American is simply minding his own business somewhere in the woods — usually with some bottles of liquor and a mandatory hamburger — when suddenly he is abducted by aliens. From there it’s a lot of bright lights, some touchy-feely (the universal language), a post-coital cigarette before a botched memory wipe, and then he is finally dropped off where he was found. It’s only when he wakes up with a headache and realizes what has happened that the real horror is revealed: THE ALIENS DRANK ALL THE LIQUOR!
Hundreds of such cases are reported every year and it’s believed that thousands go unreported out of shame. It’s become such a serious concern that you can actually buy alien abduction insurance which covers 1) pregnancy by alien (you laugh, but you try getting child support from a Predator!), 2) examination by alien, and 3) death by alien. You will never see a Pole wishing they had gotten insured just as an alien is about to kill them. Why not? Because, unlike Russia and Germany, the extraterrestrials leave them alone.
Now I’ve given this subject a whole lot of thought, especially since I found out that while there are no alien abductions in Poland, there are plenty happening in Russia. There’s a famous case from a few years ago where a prominent Russian governor went on live television and confessed that he was abducted by telepathic aliens…WHO DRANK ALL OF HIS VODKA? Russian officials apparently took him very seriously. In fact, they were worried that he had shared government secrets with the aliens. While doing research, I discovered that the story of the governor is just one of hundreds of stories of alien abductions in Russia.
This got me to finally ask the big question: Why doesn’t Poland have alien abductions?
It hardly seems fair that the United States and Russia should have all the fun.
But then I realized the awful truth.
Since the majority of abductees are American (the aliens probably want in on this Jesus on food action!), I’m willing to bet that before they are returned home, the aliens probably give them a survey for quality assurance purposes. It’s probably nothing too complicated, with questions like “From a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate this abduction?” and “Would you recommend this abduction to a friend?”
The aliens probably also want to learn more about our planet, so I’m confident they have questions like, “We’ve heard so many great things about Poland. Could you show us where it is?”
After the holographic map appears, the American, with absolute confidence, points to Russia.
I’m Christian A. Dumais. I’m an American writer, editor, and stand-up comedian living in Poland. My work has been featured in various publications like Time, Rolling Stone, and Huffington Post, and mentioned on Comedy Central and MTV. In fact, NPR once said, "People get paid a LOT of money to write comedy who are not one-tenth as funny as [Christian]."
This newsletter where I talk about pop culture and storytelling - and sometimes post my own fiction - is meant to be weekly. Thanks for being here.
“And you may ask yourself, ‘Well, how did I get here?’“
I was in Las Vegas last week. I left Poland Sunday morning and was back Friday afternoon, and that nine-hour time difference is a real killer when it comes to getting a normal night’s sleep in either direction.
So instead of thinking of something thoughtful to end this newsletter, I’m going to wrap this up with a picture of Taco - who currently holds the title of The Most Amazing Dog in the World.
Enjoy your week. And thanks for reading.
If you’re not familiar with the word, it basically means the place where you have a strong sense of belonging. The tricky part of the concept is that it doesn’t have to be a place you’ve been to before. In fact, it can be the idea of the place rather than the place itself. I actually explore the concept and how it relates to (of all things) Batman in my new book - NOTES FROM PARASPACE - coming out next week.
Of course, this newsletter had to have one plug.
This might not be true.
This still might not be true.